It is highly recommended to pass and not read this posting due to its unimportance (to other people, anyway), length, and the complexity of its content. But if you are by any chance involved in 110605, then you MUST read this.
Yesterday was your graduation day. I was there from 6 o'clock in the morning and I watched almost the whole ceremony, but it wasn't until I was in car on my way home that it struck me. Yes, it was your GRADUATION. And so you'll be gone. When I come back in 3 weeks, you'll not be there at school and i won't be seeing you anymore. I have never had the chance to say you the appropriate goodbye.
The thing is, that graduation has ripped the only thing we have in common: school. And now you're not part of the school anymore, so how will I be seeing you? I can't go upstairs and hope you'll be in front of your class anymore. You'll be gone, gone, GONE. I just wanna see you, and know you're alright, and keep tracks of what you're doing. When you were at school, I knew when you'll get the exams or what you'll do next week. I could cheer for you and it won't be weird. But now that you're out of school, what should I do? I'll be a stranger. I can't just suddenly appear out of nowhere and ask how you're doing. It's a lot harder to find a reason to contact you once you're out of school. I don't wanna sound desperate.
The truth is, I AM desperate. Desperate for you. Desperate of the situation. A part of me want to let go, 'cause I'm tired. I am sure this is time for me to move on--you had, anyway. I knew I can't have you for there are bigger things than just me and my feelings. But another part of me, that is winning now, can't afford to forget you. You are the single biggest and the most important thing in my life, and forgetting you means leaving my heart with a huge blackhole. It would suck the passion away from me--but I don't know, I haven't tried yet.
There are a few things that keep me away from you. Firstly, there was HER. Yep, that girl whom I call my friend (and I'm not lying) and also I hate from deepest core of my feeling. SHE was one of the reason we broke up (or so I keep on telling people and myself), and I would literally kill HER if you end up with HER. Which you didn't, thank God. Instead, you are now with her (it's another person). To HER, I felt hate. But to her, I felt...envy. She's a nice girl, by the way. In another world, I might like you and her together. It is a lot harder for me, mentally, to take you away from her. And so I never have the courage to take you back, because I am afraid to hurt her. Well maybe that's the biggest bump that keeps me away: my courage. I have always been a shy, quiet girl. That lack of bravery is the first thing that made me lost you. When I realized that things hadn't gone as we expected, I suddenly lost faith in me and you. And so I called a quit. I thought it was the right thing to do, but that action had become the biggest regret of my life. And I haven't even lived that long.
I love you. I guess you've heard that before. Every inch of my body want to tell that to you, to whisper it to your ears, and shout it like crazy, and make sure you understand. I told you once, through a letter. But do you savvy? I guess not, because even I know that a letter is not enough. I simply don't have the courage to tell you directly. Of course there is her, and she brought an extra burden on my back I don't need.
But do you know that I hate you as well? I bet it's news to you: I hate you for all of the hope you've given. Not just ordinary hope, but false and empty hope. You keep on giving me mixed signs, and by every action you confuse me. Do you or do you not? What do I mean to you? If I were just a friend, why did you asked me? If I were just a friend, why did you say all the things you said to my friend? To my friend, you said that you still felt "something" about me. But if I were that special, why did you keep on breaking all the promises you made yourself? It doesn't make any sense.
I hate you for that, but I love you for what you are.
Please, I just don't want to lose contact. I just wanna be friends, I live with "just friends". But I can't afford to lose you again. Stay close.
inka s
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
the idea of traveling is always fascinating
That's one thing that I found (again, from the movies).
Satu kata: kenapa?
Mungkin krn hanya dalam perjalanan, kita bisa benar2 bebas jadi diri sendiri. Kalau kt berada di tpt dmn semua orang kenal kita, maka kita akan bersikap sesuai dengan ekspektasi mereka terhadap kita (image kita). Tapi kalau kita dlm perjalanan, kita bisa bebas melakukan yang kita mau, dan nggak ada seorang pun yang bisa bilang itu aneh. Jadi dengan kata lain, kita juga bebas untuk tidak menjadi diri kita yang biasanya. Tidak, bukan berarti kita mencoba jadi orang lain. Melainkan eksplorasi untuk menemukan diri kita yang baru dan lebih baik.
Hanya dalam perjalanan kita bisa melupakan hal-hal yang membebani kita, dan meninggalkan semua masalah yang berlarut-larut di rumah. Kita nggak perlu bangun pagi-pagi dan berpikir, "gw harus pergi ke situ dan ketemu si ini, lalu buat tugas itu, dst." Kita bisa menjalani hari tanpa beban, krn kita tahu hal-hal yang kita lakukan dulu tdk banyak berpengaruh dengan yang kita lakukan dalam perjalanan, dan hal yang dilakukan dalam perjalanan tidak banyak pengaruhnya terhadap yang akan datang. Kita bisa melakukan apa saja.
Hanya dalam perjalanan juga, kita bisa akrab dengan orang asing. Semua hal di sekitar kita adalah asing, hingga hal-hal yang tidak kita kenal pun kita anggap teman. Hanya dalam perjalanan kita bisa memanggil orang di pinggir jalan dan bertanya arah, dan bercerita tanpa adanya prejudice sedikit pun.
inka s
___________________________________________________________
The last thing I'd do is making a scene
The last thing I'd want is go without being remembered
Satu kata: kenapa?
Mungkin krn hanya dalam perjalanan, kita bisa benar2 bebas jadi diri sendiri. Kalau kt berada di tpt dmn semua orang kenal kita, maka kita akan bersikap sesuai dengan ekspektasi mereka terhadap kita (image kita). Tapi kalau kita dlm perjalanan, kita bisa bebas melakukan yang kita mau, dan nggak ada seorang pun yang bisa bilang itu aneh. Jadi dengan kata lain, kita juga bebas untuk tidak menjadi diri kita yang biasanya. Tidak, bukan berarti kita mencoba jadi orang lain. Melainkan eksplorasi untuk menemukan diri kita yang baru dan lebih baik.
Hanya dalam perjalanan kita bisa melupakan hal-hal yang membebani kita, dan meninggalkan semua masalah yang berlarut-larut di rumah. Kita nggak perlu bangun pagi-pagi dan berpikir, "gw harus pergi ke situ dan ketemu si ini, lalu buat tugas itu, dst." Kita bisa menjalani hari tanpa beban, krn kita tahu hal-hal yang kita lakukan dulu tdk banyak berpengaruh dengan yang kita lakukan dalam perjalanan, dan hal yang dilakukan dalam perjalanan tidak banyak pengaruhnya terhadap yang akan datang. Kita bisa melakukan apa saja.
Hanya dalam perjalanan juga, kita bisa akrab dengan orang asing. Semua hal di sekitar kita adalah asing, hingga hal-hal yang tidak kita kenal pun kita anggap teman. Hanya dalam perjalanan kita bisa memanggil orang di pinggir jalan dan bertanya arah, dan bercerita tanpa adanya prejudice sedikit pun.
inka s
___________________________________________________________
The last thing I'd do is making a scene
The last thing I'd want is go without being remembered
Saturday, June 16, 2007
CAN I SHOUT NOW???
Gw kira gw udah melupakan dia. Gw kira gw akhirnya bisa menjalani hari dengan tenaaaang tanpa perlu tiba-tiba stress sendiri. Tapi ternyata nggak.
Turns out I still hate HER, and I still envy her. Turns out I still love him. Oh I miss him so damn much.
And then he came. I got happy and I smiled all day. But then he didn't come as he promised. Then she came. Then SHE came.
How can my life cannot be perfect even for just a single moment? How can I cannot have a taste on pure happiness even for a sec?
Because her shadow is always on me. HER shadow is always conquering me. And my own shadow of the past is always my worst enemy.
I SHOULD have known better, I should have not expected much. But I can't help it, I still hope.
Inka S
________________________________________________________________________
being a girlfriend is worse than being nobody
Turns out I still hate HER, and I still envy her. Turns out I still love him. Oh I miss him so damn much.
And then he came. I got happy and I smiled all day. But then he didn't come as he promised. Then she came. Then SHE came.
How can my life cannot be perfect even for just a single moment? How can I cannot have a taste on pure happiness even for a sec?
Because her shadow is always on me. HER shadow is always conquering me. And my own shadow of the past is always my worst enemy.
I SHOULD have known better, I should have not expected much. But I can't help it, I still hope.
Inka S
________________________________________________________________________
being a girlfriend is worse than being nobody
getting my life back together!
Yap, setelah berkutat dengan seribu soal-soal ulangan akhir semester, inilah saat yang tepat untuk menata hidup gw kembali! Soalnya, selama beberapa minggu ke belakang jadwal gw nggak keruan (khususnya jadwal makan!) Jadi, karena sekarang udah nggak ada tugas lagi yang harus dikerjain, jadi bisa agak santai deh...
Inka S
____________________________________________________
a friend's friend is worse than nobody
Inka S
____________________________________________________
a friend's friend is worse than nobody
Sunday, June 10, 2007
negative aura
I took one small step, and even smaller prayers
And so I tripped
I fell when they flew
My doings made disaster and my wishes had not come true
My head filled with angry music and angry thoughts
I curse people and threw away phones
I close the door of understanding and learning
I NEED to get it open
I just don't know how
So I write, and hope the negative aura be away soon
And so I tripped
I fell when they flew
My doings made disaster and my wishes had not come true
My head filled with angry music and angry thoughts
I curse people and threw away phones
I close the door of understanding and learning
I NEED to get it open
I just don't know how
So I write, and hope the negative aura be away soon
Friday, June 08, 2007
what would you think?
I know it's just a biiiit late, and seems it's been a very long time since i last wrote.
Jadiii intinya seminggu yang lalu gw nonton Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End bareng temen2 gw. Yap tuh film emang seru banget dan kocak, tapi ada satu pikiran yang sempet melintas di kepala gw: apa yang akan kita pikirkan di detik-detik ketika kita (berpikir) kita akan mati.
A TOUGH question!!! (And a scary one, too)
Kan di Pirates ada tuh adegan waktu kapalnya si Beckett dibombardir sama meriam dari kapal Black Pearl dan Flying Dutchman, dan dia tahu persis di detik itu bahwa dia nggak mungkin selamat. Terus waktu anak buahnya udah mulai panik dan minta perintah, tapi Beckett malah bengong nggak bisa jawab apa-apa (kecuali mengulang terus kata2nya sendiri, It's just good business".)
Kalau dilihat dari sikapnya sih, kayaknya dia menyesal soalnya udah bersikap begitu egois (it's just good business!) dan nggak peduli sama kepentingan orang lain. Apa kita semua bakal kayak begitu? Atau kita akan merasa lega karena kita tahu kita telah berbuat cukup banyak kebaikan? (Amin!) Apa kita akan berpikir tentang orang-orang yang akan kita tinggalin? Atau kita akan berpikir tentang nasib diri kita sendiri nantinya?
Not kind of question that i wanna know the answer soon, it just makes me wonder. It just makes me damn scared.
Inka s
Jadiii intinya seminggu yang lalu gw nonton Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End bareng temen2 gw. Yap tuh film emang seru banget dan kocak, tapi ada satu pikiran yang sempet melintas di kepala gw: apa yang akan kita pikirkan di detik-detik ketika kita (berpikir) kita akan mati.
A TOUGH question!!! (And a scary one, too)
Kan di Pirates ada tuh adegan waktu kapalnya si Beckett dibombardir sama meriam dari kapal Black Pearl dan Flying Dutchman, dan dia tahu persis di detik itu bahwa dia nggak mungkin selamat. Terus waktu anak buahnya udah mulai panik dan minta perintah, tapi Beckett malah bengong nggak bisa jawab apa-apa (kecuali mengulang terus kata2nya sendiri, It's just good business".)
Kalau dilihat dari sikapnya sih, kayaknya dia menyesal soalnya udah bersikap begitu egois (it's just good business!) dan nggak peduli sama kepentingan orang lain. Apa kita semua bakal kayak begitu? Atau kita akan merasa lega karena kita tahu kita telah berbuat cukup banyak kebaikan? (Amin!) Apa kita akan berpikir tentang orang-orang yang akan kita tinggalin? Atau kita akan berpikir tentang nasib diri kita sendiri nantinya?
Not kind of question that i wanna know the answer soon, it just makes me wonder. It just makes me damn scared.
Inka s
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