today i wanna talk mumbo-jumbo

It is highly recommended to pass and not read this posting due to its unimportance (to other people, anyway), length, and the complexity of its content. But if you are by any chance involved in 110605, then you MUST read this.


Yesterday was your graduation day. I was there from 6 o'clock in the morning and I watched almost the whole ceremony, but it wasn't until I was in car on my way home that it struck me. Yes, it was your GRADUATION. And so you'll be gone. When I come back in 3 weeks, you'll not be there at school and i won't be seeing you anymore. I have never had the chance to say you the appropriate goodbye.

The thing is, that graduation has ripped the only thing we have in common: school. And now you're not part of the school anymore, so how will I be seeing you? I can't go upstairs and hope you'll be in front of your class anymore. You'll be gone, gone, GONE. I just wanna see you, and know you're alright, and keep tracks of what you're doing. When you were at school, I knew when you'll get the exams or what you'll do next week. I could cheer for you and it won't be weird. But now that you're out of school, what should I do? I'll be a stranger. I can't just suddenly appear out of nowhere and ask how you're doing. It's a lot harder to find a reason to contact you once you're out of school. I don't wanna sound desperate.

The truth is, I AM desperate. Desperate for you. Desperate of the situation. A part of me want to let go, 'cause I'm tired. I am sure this is time for me to move on--you had, anyway. I knew I can't have you for there are bigger things than just me and my feelings. But another part of me, that is winning now, can't afford to forget you. You are the single biggest and the most important thing in my life, and forgetting you means leaving my heart with a huge blackhole. It would suck the passion away from me--but I don't know, I haven't tried yet.

There are a few things that keep me away from you. Firstly, there was HER. Yep, that girl whom I call my friend (and I'm not lying) and also I hate from deepest core of my feeling. SHE was one of the reason we broke up (or so I keep on telling people and myself), and I would literally kill HER if you end up with HER. Which you didn't, thank God. Instead, you are now with her (it's another person). To HER, I felt hate. But to her, I felt...envy. She's a nice girl, by the way. In another world, I might like you and her together. It is a lot harder for me, mentally, to take you away from her. And so I never have the courage to take you back, because I am afraid to hurt her. Well maybe that's the biggest bump that keeps me away: my courage. I have always been a shy, quiet girl. That lack of bravery is the first thing that made me lost you. When I realized that things hadn't gone as we expected, I suddenly lost faith in me and you. And so I called a quit. I thought it was the right thing to do, but that action had become the biggest regret of my life. And I haven't even lived that long.

I love you. I guess you've heard that before. Every inch of my body want to tell that to you, to whisper it to your ears, and shout it like crazy, and make sure you understand. I told you once, through a letter. But do you savvy? I guess not, because even I know that a letter is not enough. I simply don't have the courage to tell you directly. Of course there is her, and she brought an extra burden on my back I don't need.

But do you know that I hate you as well? I bet it's news to you: I hate you for all of the hope you've given. Not just ordinary hope, but false and empty hope. You keep on giving me mixed signs, and by every action you confuse me. Do you or do you not? What do I mean to you? If I were just a friend, why did you asked me? If I were just a friend, why did you say all the things you said to my friend? To my friend, you said that you still felt "something" about me. But if I were that special, why did you keep on breaking all the promises you made yourself? It doesn't make any sense.

I hate you for that, but I love you for what you are.

Please, I just don't want to lose contact. I just wanna be friends, I live with "just friends". But I can't afford to lose you again. Stay close.



inka s